"No" responsibly

Have you ever said "no"? Of course you have (especially when you were two!) Have you always used "no" responsibly? (I can see you looking quizzical.) Do you know what a responsible and irresponsible no are?

No is a powerful word; it is a word meaning "stop", "enough", "here's my limit," and it is a healthy word unless misused.

We hear how it is important to say no to things we don't want like watching our sister's kids when we have a previous commitment, or giving the family mooch another "loan" which will never be paid back. These are healthy times to use no as long as it is done respectfully.

However, in relationships this little word needs to be used with tact and responsibility or it becomes destructive.

I'm writing about when your partner wants to talk about something and you aren't ready. You have every right to say "no" to talking at that time, but if you use the word to shut your partner down totally, you will ultimately lose out. Shutting someone down with "No" kills communication, connection, and intimacy.

So, use "no" responsibly.

How do you do this? A responsible no has three parts: the no, the reason, and an offer. When your partner asks if you can talk, and you aren't ready because you just got home from work, you can say,

"Honey, not right now [the no]....
I'm really still thinking about work and need to decompress [the reason]....
Could we talk tonight after dinner?" [the offer]

You have just used no responsibly. You have not shut your partner down; you have honestly shared your need and recognized there is a need for repair by your partner. You are also admitting now isn't a good time- respecting both yourself and your partner. It is a good deal.

Some considerations with this response. Don't put off talking for more than 48hours. I prefer you talk the same day, but if you have to [say it's right before bed and you must get up early] then schedule for the next day. That way you both will more likely to actually talk rather than let it go and fester. Also, don't constantly put your partner off, they'll make up they are never of primary importance. Don't use rescheduling as a way to gain time to "gather arguments." You'll only end up fighting.

Lastly, if you are saying no to the family mooch, you can still do so responsibly. Say, "No, I will not lend you money [the no] because you still owe me $500 from last Summer [reason]. I suggest you look at other ways to get that money. I'd be willing to help you brainstorm ways you can do that. [offer]"

So, today's challenge- start using no responsibly in all areas of your life. Respect yourself and your partner enough to not shut communication down but open it up.

Relax into your relationship

Most people looking to “make the most of” their time neglect the importance of relaxation. With the fear of never having enough time they burn themselves out. It is important to remember that everyone has the same amount of time: 24hours= 1,440 minutes= 86,400 seconds.

However, why is it that some people seem to get so much more done and are happier?

They use time better, and include relaxing. Investigate successful and happy (some people are successful but not happy) people and you’ll see that they know the importance of slowing down and having fun.

Slowing down also allows you to be more in and do more in your relationship leading to a happier life overall.

Relaxation gives you energy; it is a form of filling your tank, like putting gas in your car. After relaxation you have more energy- even more than after sleep. For example, in one study 5-10 minutes of relaxation exercises lowered the body’s need for oxygen (an indicator of stress) more than twice as much as 5-6 hours of sleep. Relaxation can greatly decrease your overall stress as well as the way you act to individual stressful situations (such as an argument with your partner.)

Why is it important to decrease stress? Let me explain the stress response. Our body/mind/emotions are hardwired to respond a certain way to stress, all humans react this way and have for thousands of years. This is called "flight or flight." This instant response was originally a survival response for the harsh conditions of prehistoric living; however, it no longer functions as one. In fact, it is hurting us, especially in our relationships.

The fight or flight response is often reflected in how you respond to a conflict with your partner. You either shut down or attack, and neither are healthy or useful. If you learn to relax, take a step back, and breathe, you will react much better to your partner.

The easiest way to begin teaching yourself to relax is to practice breathing.

One simple breathing exercise is balloon breathing. Imagine you have a balloon in your belly with the opening at your belly button. Fill the balloon fully & empty it fully. Focus only on the balloon, not other things. Fill and empty at least 5 times. This exercise will encourage you to utilize the full capacity of your lungs & breathe into your stomach as you were created naturally to do.

Do this exercise regularly; in fact, every time you think of it. As you practice it, you will reteach your body how to relax. Then when you are in a stressful situation, you can breath yourself into a more relaxed state. The more relaxed you are, the better you respond, the less likely you are to run or attack, and the more likely your conflict will resolve well rather than badly.

Today's challenge: What is your style? Do you fight or flee? Start to diffuse your stress response by teaching yourself to relax, practice the breathing at least once a day, and breathe when you are triggered to stress.

Can you find Mr. Right in this Fairy Tale? Nope!

One thing that gets in the way of many relationships is unrealistic expectations. The biggest is the belief relationships shouldn’t take work. That is silly, you don’t expect to interview for, get and start a new job then never have to work again. What makes you think you can find, court, and marry someone and not ever work in the relationship again?

Another problem that gets in the way of rewarding relationships is the thought if I pick the “right” person things will be perfect. This idea is reinforced by the “Mr. Right” legend. It is worsened by a belief you can change another person into the “right” person. So you waste time trying to find the perfect mate, alter the person you are with to be perfect, or ending a relationship in the hope the next person will be "right". No one is "right".

The biggest disconnect between what is and what you expect is what I call the “fairy tale marriage” mythos. Somewhere along the way, you internalize the fairy tale line “happily ever after.” Even if you are intelligent enough to realize the untruth of this story, you still hold on to it in many ways. The “Mr./Mrs. Right” myth is one way you stick with the fairy tale. The other way is the belief we should not disagree or fight with our partner. Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty did not fight, did they? Sadly, this fiction keeps us from admitting two different people can disagree and still have a good relationship. It also leads to relationship breakups.

So the challenge today is to take a good look at your expectations of relationships, partners, and yourself. Where are you off? Challenge that and be more realistic.

Thoughts, stories, feelings and your life

Your thoughts define your world. Thoughts form the story you tell yourself. Your story creates the type of world you live in, the types of relationships you have, and the types of feelings you experience.

When I make this point, my clients often state they have no control over their feelings ("they just happen") or how they world is. This is a fallacy and a cop-out.

Let me give you an example. Imagine one day I’m on the computer surfing the net (a not unusual experience.) My husband looks up and asks, “What are you doing?” in a pretty neutral tone. I think, “Oh, he’s questioning whether I’m working on something I need to do. He’s judging me!” I make myself angry about this “fact” (actually a story I made up.) In response to what I have told myself I snap back, “None of your business, why do you want to know?” A grumbling fight ensues. My thought created my story which gave rise to my mood and determined my behaviors.

What if my thought had been different? Rewind the scene. My husband asks me the same question in the same neutral tone and I think, “Maybe he wants to do something.” I’m happy and pleased at the prospect and I answer him pleasantly. “I’m just surfing for writing ideas. Why do you ask?” Whatever his response, I have created a much different world for myself.

It is what I chose to think that makes this happen.

This is a wonderful anonymous prose poem I like to give to clients:

When you change your thinking, you change your beliefs;
When you change your beliefs, you change your expectations;
When you change your expectations, you change your attitude;
When you change your attitude, you change your behavior;
When you change your behavior, you change your performance;
When you change your performance, you change your life!

As you can see, the whole thing starts with a change of thinking. That change gets the whole ball rolling. If you also look closely, you’ll notice the responsibility lies with one person- you.

So the challenge today is to look at how your thinking is coloring and creating your world. Do you like the type of world you are creating for yourself? What few simple changes can you make to your thoughts to change your world?

Creating a fulfilling and rich life!

Mindfulness is the current buzzword, and I’ve been thinking about it today.

The word mind-ful-ness reminds me of richness and completeness. Its opposite is mind-less-ness; an emptiness or deficiency. These definitions gave me an idea why mindfulness is so “popular” right now; people are responding to a disconnect or emptiness.

Mindlessness often comes because we have packed our lives with so many empty things and activities. Notwithstanding any number of people to see and "things to do" my clients say they do not feel fulfilled. They feel empty. Mindless hurry is designed to fill the emptiness left by not having a connection to ourselves or others, but it can’t.

Mindfulness is the true cure for emptiness.

Mindfulness allows you to create a real relationship with yourself, with others, and with the world around you. When you're in the moment, and you are paying attention, that is when you can make an authentic connection and fill the emptiness. This is why it helps you fill the hole in your relationships, too.

People often struggle with one of two common stumbling blocks when trying to be mindful. They either want to be “productive” or feel the need to judge in the process of being mindful. Both of these habits are anti-mindful; what is needed is passive concentration.

We learn from an early age doing something is applauded; therefore, it's very difficult for us to stop doing. When I ask someone to sit and pay attention to their breathing, they often ask me what they're supposed to do or make happen. They struggle with the concept just being mindful is doing something. And it is enough.

The second problem people have is the tendency to judge themselves or the things they are observing. When someone is being mindful of their emotions they will often make a judgment about them. Or they may be judgmental about what someone else is saying or feeling. Mindfulness is about observing in the now without judgment; being judgmental takes you out of the now.

When you begin to practice mindfulness, watch out for these two pitfalls. Instead practice passive concentration. Unlike active concentration where you're trying to make something happen (such as during learning or an activity) passive concentration is about just paying attention.

I first heard about passive concentration when I learned about autogenic training, a form of relaxation. While doing autogenic training, you gently focus your attention on one area of the body at a time. You are not trying to make the body part relax, just pay attention to it without trying to do anything. Believe it or not this is difficult to do at first, but it becomes easier with time, and you do relax.

(Interestingly enough research has found the focus of attention upon a body part actually will relax it. Maybe people react the same way, relax under attention.)

So as you begin to practice mindfulness, remain passively attentive. You'll find mindfulness much more useful and pleasant. As you put yourself in the moment being mindful with your partner you'll also find your relationship improves.

This week, practice mindfulness with yourself and those you love. When talking to someone, make a conscious effort to bring your mind back when it wanders. Note anything that strikes you in the moment, but stay in the moment.

May you create a rich and ful-fill-ing life.

Please rock the boat!!

You know, too often couples come to my office after years of not talking about what is bothering them. They have the mistaken notion if they ignore what is going on, it will go away. They fear if they speak the relationship will be over.

The problem is, because they haven't spoken, the relationship is over.

Many people think this is primarily a woman's problem- stuffing their feelings, and women do often do this, but men are just as guilty. Both think the possible blowup created by setting limits and discussing needs will destroy their relationship. They avoid talking in order to keep things calm and tranquil, but the riptide currents will pull them out to sea (how many nautical phrases can I use?)

Only by speaking can you truly create a authentic, intimate, and rewarding relationship. A boat rocks when it is moving, it only stops rocking when it sinks. Don't be in the sinking boat.

If you fear the blowup that much, you have to ask yourself what sort of relationship you are in. If you are the person who creates the stormy seas, you need to ask yourself what you are avoiding.

Don't blow a hole in your hull, though. If you think bullying a person into not talking will work, think again, they'll just move further away from you and you'll be those ships that pass in the night. The opposite is also true, you can't rage and expect someone to want to talk with you. Usually, the person you are raging at battens down their hatches and rides out the storm coming up on the other side without really hearing anything. I've heard numerous people say to their spouse in my office, "But I've said that to you a hundred times! Why can you hear Kim say it and not me?" The answer is, I say it, not scream it during a fight.

So, rocking the boat means rowing it forward. It involves talking about your needs and listening to your partner's. It is about recognizing and having healthy boundaries- know what seas you are able and willing to sail upon. It also means being respectful - don't beach your boat where you aren't welcome. It also means you must risk vulnerability and possible unhappiness in order to create what is healthy.

You must rock the boat.

So, today's challenge is to look at the ways you avoid talking, sharing, or setting limits because you are afraid to rock the boat. Find healthy ways to start doing these things. Please rock the boat!

Sensible or Sexy? Effort or Ease?

I recently read an article touting the different sides of the argument on lingerie- should it be sexy or sensible? Afterward I was speaking with a woman who owns a lingerie shop and she said, "Good lingerie is both."

It got me thinking.

You see, people seem to have the same type of debate about relationships- should they be easy or should they be work? Each side lines up their arguments and shoots sallies across bows, but neither gets the point; a real rewarding relationship is both.

If we are doing it right, a good relationship has moments of effort and moments of ease; in fact, it has the whole spectrum of moments because it is real.

What do I mean by "doing it right"? I mean truly living in as healthy a way as we can. Sometimes that feels like toil and other times it feels simple. Often it's work when we first start practicing a new skill, but as we practice and really live it, the skill becomes second nature, habitual... easy.

Someone once said learning relationship skills is like learning a new language. It is. It involves a learning curve where you practice, fumble, make mistakes, struggle, succeed, fall down again, get up, and go on. The more you do it, the more you can do it, and the more it becomes a part of you. Ultimately, you are speaking the language, you are past the labored parts, but every once in awhile, your brain goes back to your original language and you have to grope for the new vocabulary.

That's ok, it's part of learning and living.

So, the challenge today is to stop thinking "either or" about your relationship. Yes, it'll be work at times, don't let that upset you. There will also be times when it is comfortable, celebrate them as progress.

All it takes is a little coordination!

This morning started with watching the rain pelt down on the ocean and the lightning bounce around, then a shower and breakfast. Finally it was time to get to work, but I needed to coordinate with an important person, my husband.

You see, we check in with schedules at the beginning of each week. I have found it makes for a much better week because we know what each other is doing. It only takes a few minutes, but it sets expectations which is seriously crucial.

This is one simple step many couples miss, and it creates fights, disappointment, and even breakups.

When you know and respect one each others schedules things go much more smoothly.

In addition, if you know what your spouse is doing, you can connect better. If I know my husband has a big business meeting about a building he's looking to buy, then I can ask him how it went. It shows I care enough to remember what he's doing and ask about the things he finds important. It helps me fulfill one vital component of a healthy relationship- showing I love and care about him and his life.

Lastly, this schedule checking keeps expectations clean. If I know my husband has agreed to play an online game with friends one evening, I'm not going to expect we'll go out to eat that night. If I didn't know, I might plan, be disappointed when he says no, and then get angry.

The actual work is easy: I write a note in my own planner about things he's doing, then I can ask him about them or plan for them. I also let him know my schedule for the week so he can do the same.

Knowing each others' plans keeps us closer and happier. All it takes is a little coordination and caring!

So, the challenge is to begin to pay attention to what your loved one has planned, even at work. Ask questions, note it in your planner, and mention it later. Show him or her you care enough to take notice and be aware of their life. I bet it'll bring you closer.