Technology to truly connect not disconnect

I heartily agree we need to be present with those we love, and our technological advances give us a great leg-up at reconnecting. But only if we use them correctly.

Too often we think we use technology to "connect," but we are just sending fluff. Examples may include forwarded emails (jokes, stories, rants, raves, and other such), random tweets, meaningless text messages, or empty replies in any form. It's like replying to our loved one with monosyllables or grunts.

What happens is we use technology as if it replaces meaningful communication, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Here are some ways to use tech to bring you closer:
-If you really want someone to know you are thinking of them- put that in the subject line.
-Tell them why you thought they'd enjoy the joke/story you are forwarding.
-Put a single sentence in about how you are doing or asking them a question.
-If you @tweet, make it personal and responsive.
-If you are texting, take a few moments to make it special- use a pet name or phrase.

Lastly, don't overuse technology in lieu of real connection. It's like the person who always buys flowers to make up; after awhile it is habit and has no real meaning. Don't make people dread your emails, tweets, or texts- help them look forward to them.

Technology is the authentic relationship's friend as long as it is used correctly.

BTW: My mentor, Lisa Merlo-Booth wrote a nice blog post about the importance of really being with someone when you are spending time together (please go read it here: http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straighttalk/ )

Wait for it.....

I taught a class on making Ukrainian eggs this last weekend and it was a blast. It got me thinking about patience and waiting, though.

I don't know how much you know about this beautiful art, but Ukrainian eggs can take hours to complete, and you won't know exactly what they look like until the very last step. Each egg goes through repeated layers of wax and dye until your egg looks like something you see on an educational TV channel show featuring things that live in your intestines!

That is the time you want to say, "Ugh, why am I doing this? I'm going to hate it, and it's just a mess." However, if you are patient a little while longer and you remove all the bumpy wax, the rainbow of colors shines out in breathtaking beauty.

It's like magic!

To get to this point, you have to stick to a process you aren't sure is going to work and have faith you'll be rewarded in the end. Sounds like a motto for personal and relational growth work. Stick to the process because you know you are moving toward something beautiful in the end. You may get something you didn't quite expect, and it probably won't look exactly like you thought it would, but it'll be beautiful. True health is always beautiful.

Like all magic, it takes work, skills, and patience.

So think about the steps you have been taking toward getting healthy in yourself and your relationships. Are there any things you have stopped because you aren't waiting long enough for that final wax wipe-off? What things have you done and negated the outcomes because they aren't exactly what you wanted? Were they beautiful (healthy) in their own way? Revisit them.

Think about your changes as slow processes that deserve your patience. The magic is worth it.

Rainbow Bridge

Last night one of the biggest hearts in the tiniest bodies
finally left to walk the Rainbow Bridge.
At a little before 8pm Mr. Darcy calmly and quietly stopped breathing.
His heart never gave out, but his body finally did.
He gave so much love.
He will be sorely missed.

Fail at all your challenges

Challenges come at us every day. Today I've been challenging myself in the field of marketing. It is really a trial for me because I get overwhelmed by all the options. But I still do it, because it is a challenge... and I fail as often as I succeed because I'm learning.

I'm okay with that.

I would rather be moving than just standing still stagnating; I would rot from the inside. However, this is not movement for movement's sake, it is motion with a goal. Sometimes I sit still with a goal.

I often fail at that, too.

I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with trying and failing because my life is abundant despite falling down. I can make a long list all the positives in my life; here are a few: I woke up today, the sun was shining (I also like when it rains because the flowers grow), I can see the computer screen, I had emails from people I know, my cats gave me "hugs", my husband game me a hug and a smile, I played games yesterday and had a blast with some friends.... I could go on.

My life has much abundance.

Even if things aren't going well- when I was laid off, when my father died, when I was in my motorcycle accident- my life was good. Despite those struggles, I had much to draw energy from. For example, some nice woman stopped when the truck hit me off my motorcycle and called my work and my husband to let them know I was being airlifted to a hospital. I will probably never see her again, but people can be wonderful (thanks Donna where ever you are!) It is in remembering the good that I get the energy to face challenges. Even failure.

Heck, if I didn't dare myself, push myself, and work on myself I wouldn't grow myself. Yes, I also wouldn't fail, but where is the fun in that?

So, fail at all your challenges: but still life a joyful, abundant life.
How is your life abundant? How can you draw energy from those things? Remember those things when you are struggling, and move forward into the challenge with joy.

The Fallacy of Happiness

"You have the capability for any emotion at any time, and you don't have to have any one emotion all the time," I said.

"Wow, that's good," I commented to my client afterward, "I'm going to write it down." She laughed, but she also wrote it down.

I decided it was a timely subject for a post, because I recently said something similar to a friend of mine when we were discussing happiness. I told her people miss out on life because they are constantly pursuing unending ecstasy. She playfully told me I had ruined her life because she had been trying to make her whole life full of happiness, but people fall into this trap every day.

Life isn't about being happy all the time; sometimes we are content, peaceful, comfortable, or joyful. We can also be angry, sad, jealous, guilty, surprised, afraid, and a whole host of things. In the immortal words of my friend, Patrick, "It's all good." Where we lose out is when we pursue the extremes and forget the middles are just as satisfying.

So what are you pursuing with the intent it will make everything better? What are you overdoing in the attempt to always be happy? What feelings are you avoiding even though they can teach you something?

Think about it; even if you aren't happy 24/7 it's all good.

Disconnect to reconnect

Recently I took a stroll on the boardwalk. I decided to pay attention to how many people had headphones, blue teeth, or ear buds in, and I was unsurprised to see it was a large amount. People were talking into phones, blasting music, and surfing the net despite the beautiful sunshine, the calling of the waves, and the rippling of the wind. They were even doing these things if they were with another human being!

People are tuning out right and left. It is sad.

I thought about it, and I wondered at the cause. Are we so overwhelmed with a plethora of information that we can't take in just our own senses anymore? Are we so unused to "just being" we can't conceive of not being hooked in?

Admit it, how many of you panic if you forget your cell phone when you run to the store?

I heard one friend say of her sister, "She can't be alone, she gets into the car and instantly has to call someone." Is this it? Are we unable to just be with ourselves anymore? Do we not know how to be friends with our "self"? Do we avoid being alone by being "connected"?

The problem is the act of constantly connecting has lead us to be disconnected. Remember the walkers who were surfing while walking with someone else? How are they connecting with the person beside them? How were they really appreciating the beautiful day?

Here is today's challenge: for the next few days pay attention to how many times you connect and why you are doing it. See if you are avoiding anything/anyone by plugging in. The thing you may plug into can vary: TV, video games, the web, your phone, your email, your blog (*grin*), an ipod, or any such diversionary device. Ask yourself if you are learning to be yourself, to be with others, or to just be in the world by your connection.

Maybe we need to disconnect to reconnect.

Passing along... only the good things

You know, in this day and age you can't avoid email anymore. It is part of the culture as are cell phones, texting, lol speak, and blogs. I don't think this is a bad thing; however, we need to use the same care with these technological advances as we do with our speech.

It shows we respect ourselves and others.

To this end, I have decided I will no longer pass along negative emails. Just as I wouldn't take a rumor or trash talk and say it to someone else, I'm not passing along emails that bash other people, make covert slurs, or spread negative vibes.

I challenge you to take the same oath.

I already think chain emails are just another form of computer virus. They take up server time and in-box space often over-running both. That's viral, folks; think about it. Now it is time to take back our in boxes; don't pass sewage on so it fades away.

Besides, it's good to put the muck in the trash, not send it to a friend.

Daily Steps... Daffodils

I was recently sent an email about a gorgeous swatch of daffodils. The email said they bathed the side of a mountain in golden light and there were over 50,000 of them planted all by one woman.

One woman, one bulb at a time for over 40 years.

The visual image in my head was breathtaking, but the concept even greater; we can change our world if we do so one step at a time (one bulb at a time.)

Make a change in your relationship when you chose to do one healthy thing. Simple steps like a compliment daily to your spouse or a smile each time you come home. Change your work by realizing each day you are making the choice to go to work because you want what it can give you for your life; not because you "have to".

You change your life by making a decision and planting a single bulb each day that supports that decision. In 40 years that is 14,600 times you have supported your change, and if you do it more than once a day, it exponentially grows!

So, start today to make your change. Don't bemoan time past that wasn't used, celebrate the time you have today and cover your life in a swatch of sunshine yellow flowers or whatever you chose.


P.S. if you want the email, let me know in a comment, I'll forward it to you!

Don't do it for others, do it because you deserve it.

My clients are often surprised when I tell them; "do the healthy thing because you deserve it, not because you want something from another person."

Too often people get stuck in and waste time on tit-for-tat. Choosing healthy behaviors for yourself short circuits unhealthy retaliation.

Now, it isn't easy to make this choice when your spouse or s.o. is being glaringly mean, scornful, sarcastic or unhealthy in some way. However, that is the time when your choice for health is most important. Your choice can mean everything spirals down or has a chance to improve.

Choosing to do the healthy thing is about yourself, not about the other person. You chose it because you deserve the energy doing good gives to you. Remember you can't change another person, you only have control over yourself and your behaviors.

So, don't be healthy for someone else, do it because you deserve it.

THINK!!!

I have to write about an epidemic that has silently and unfortunately swept the whole nation; an inability to actually think!

This is not new in coming; when I was in high school (and dinosaurs roamed the roads) a friend of mine exclaimed one fine day, "it's summer, I don't have to think." It was funny at the time, but it's not funny now.

I started considering this lack of thought recently when I received yet another forwarded spam email stating "this month the state police are going to double the amount of speeding tickets they'll be writing." When I confronted the person who sent it and cited a well known site that debunks these stupid emails, the reply was "Oh, that's a liberal site, and they won't tell you the truth." She, unfortunately, was serious. She didn't even consider the "warning" email didn't say what month was to be blitzed, nor look at the debunking site to see this email has been around since 2005 (I have received it at least 3 times in the past.) Besides those actions would have required thought!!

Lack of thinking is what has thousands of people in trouble with their mortgages. If they had just taken a few moments to think, "Will I be able to make this payment if I lose my job?" or "will this payment allow me to put aside some money for emergencies?" Nope, people just jumped. Now I see friends and family who are tangled up because they have lost one income and chose to take on a mortgage and multiple other payments such as a car. I don't say people shouldn't have a house or a car, both are pretty important, but I do say people need to think about how they will afford all these things if something goes south (like it has.) Buy a cheaper car or house, and work your way up; don't start as large as you possibly could go! Think it through.

Another of my friends summed it up yesterday when I was bemoaning this lack of thought. She said, "Thinking's not fun." There's the rub, thinking does take some work, a sense of responsibility, and a little time, but it is worth it.

Lack of thought not only harms you financially, it can kill your relationship. Acting without thinking causes hurt feelings, anger, disconnections, and sometimes even breakup and divorce. A huge example: affairs. So often I hear someone say, "it just happened," but affairs don't just happen. Every person in a relationship has multiple opportunities to cheat; truly it's out there. However, those who chose not to cheat use skills to protect their chosen relationship. If the urge to cheat happens, think!! Take a step back, and chose. Go back to your spouse and say, "I think I need to be working on our relationship and I'm asking you for help." Let them know you are unhappy in some way and want to fix it. That's what a thinking person would do, and the thinking people have happier relationships and lives overall.

So, take some time and use your brain. It really isn't as hard as you think.