Ripples of Nice

Today I said "hello" and "have a good day" to the toll taker on the parkway, and it got me thinking about being "nice". A number of years ago when I took my boss home one evening, I was pleasant to the toll taker (whom I saw every day). My boss looked at me in apparent surprise and said in all seriousness, "You are nice to everyone, aren't you?" I nodded, but was surprised at her question.

Why is it so hard to be nice?

Another example from today. I had stopped at a grocery store to get a few snacks for visiting friends. When I went to exit onto a busy road with people stopping for a light a little way down, most drivers were oblivious to my car waiting patiently to enter. Even though the light was red, and they weren't going anywhere, they all crammed in as close as possible talking on phones, staring straight ahead, or chatting with people in the car. Finally, a nice man in a delivery truck waved me out in front of him. I made sure I waved back at him and mouthed "thank you."

Why is it so hard to be nice?

I thought about it on the drive home, and I came up with one basic idea; we are too wrapped up in ourselves to actually do the simple reaching out niceness needs. Really being nice is about noticing others around you. If you are too focused on yourself, your phone call, your itinerary, or your needs, it is so easy to forgo basic courtesy. But let someone else cut you off or be rude, and immediately their family ancestry is called into question.

So, here's the challenge; be mindful. Be aware of others on a simple level. Be mindful of the chances around you every day to infect the world with nice (not rude.) Really, it doesn't take longer to let that one car out at an entrance, or to say thank you to someone like a toll taker. The ripple of your niceness may reach someone later who really needs it.

What is surprising, is your life will feel nicer overall. Would you rather feel ugly, rude and unhappy, or mindful and pleasant? You decide.

The silent losses...

I was recently reading an article in the Wall Street Journal about how people are abandoning their pets in record numbers due to financial concerns. I was deeply saddened.

A pet is a companion and a part of the family. I don't hear about people abandoning their children, elderly parents, or spouses because "Well, I just can't afford to feed them." You buckle down, look at the things you really don't need, and you make it happen. Pets are no different; they bring a special sort of relationship to you.

When you take in an animal as a companion, you make a promise. You promise that creature your care, attention, and commitment. None of these are things that should go out the window when things get tight.

That being said, I do know money can make things difficult, so I'm sending out a call and suggestion to all who read this; make a difference! Contact your local food bank and encourage them to accept donations of animal foods to give out. People may go get food for Rover when they'd be ashamed to get it for themselves. Make sure the newspapers and local news stations get wind of this so the information is broadcast to as many people as possible. And as much as you can, donate to the shelters and bring animal food to the food bank.

Animals and their human companions everywhere will thank you. I thank you. My velveteen bunny who has gone across the rainbow bridge thanks you.

The Expected Valentine's Post

How could I write a blog on relationships and not post about Valentine's day?

My comment about Valentine's day is - like many things (other Holidays, government programs, movies)- I love the idea but hate the execution.

Valentines Day is supposed to be about love and intimacy. It is a time when we reflect on and celebrate the love we have in our life. It is not a commercial orgy of chocolate, flowers, food, and card buying.

Interestingly, we know next to nothing about St. Valentine. The stories about him secretly marrying people against an emperor's edict were concocted only recently, and there is no record in the church as to his works or miracles. The only long standing story is that he may have healed the eyes of his jailer's daughter. Although this is a beautiful story of forgiveness, it doesn't explain why we use his day as a celebration of love.

History lessons aside; the celebration of love, intimacy, connection, and relationships is a worthy thing to spend a day upon. Spend more than a day because it is a wonderful gift when we have love in our lives.

Stuck in Can't- Celebrate Lincoln

Often people are stuck because change is difficult. However, look at the consequences of “can’t.” Where will the choice to not do lead you? Is it a better place? Is it really easier? If people are honest, the unhealthy choice, in the long run, is, well… unhealthy and leads to negative things. Once you truly recognize how much “can’t” is harming your life, you may start to chose “can.” Difficult as it is, the change in the long run is easier than remaining stuck.

Another way I see people caught in the cycle of can’t is they are waiting. They wait for insight or motivation to make them want to change or take a different path. Fortunately, you don’t have to know why something works to do it; in fact, as someone said to me recently, “motivation follows action.” It is in doing something different we come to see how it helps. I tell my clients insight is a wonderful thing, but behavioral changes are what create a healthy life.

The lyrics of a Rush song state, “Even if you chose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” By not choosing, you are actually making a choice for can’t.

On February 12th, Lincoln’s birthday, think about the choices Abe made each year of his life. Despite adversity, despite not knowing exactly how it would end, and despite having to do things whether he felt like it or not, he moved forward. He chose can.

Choosing Your Life or Choosing Can’t

Abraham Lincoln once said, “Most people are as happy as they make their minds up to be,” and if anyone knew the truth of these words, he did. He was a man who sadly chose war to create what he knew was right, even though he knew thousands of the people who put him in office would die. He struggled with depression all his life and was married to a chronically mentally ill woman. He had every reason to stay in bed all day and do nothing, but he didn’t, he made a choice.

So often I hear people talk as if they have forgotten they always have a choice. They use the word “can’t” as if it were a talisman. “I can’t talk to my husband about that,” or “I can’t stop [an unhealthy behavior],” or “I can’t help my depression” [anxiety, anger, etc.] People lay “can’t” out as if it were a magic word granting them immunity from choice. However, as I say to my clients, “Can’t is asking someone without legs to get up and walk.” We are capable of doing the things we refuse to do; the real word is “won’t” or “don’t want to.” I’m pretty sure Lincoln didn’t want to govern a country at war, but he decided each day to go out and do the best he could.

Choice happens in the moment. There is, when we go one way or another, that second when a part of us says “this is unhealthy, I shouldn’t do it,” and we have a choice. Nine times out of ten, that adult voice comes, and you have the choice to change or reside in the world of “can’t.” This world is filled with the unhealthy things like staying in bed, screaming at a partner, binging or restricting food, and many other ways people harm themselves. You are choosing to remain in the hurt. That choice will repeatedly harm you until you chose health.

Even Lincoln knew the difficulty caused by unhealthy choices, and he encouraged action now; “You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.”