Human beings hold fanciful untruths to be true all too often. Take today, for example; it's just another day, but it has gained the stigma of being unlucky.Just for fun, let's look at some of the superstitions people hold about relationships!
1. If a relationship takes work, it's not right.
Like the "walk under a ladder" fear, this relationship rumor has some basis in truth. (Didn't think I'd say that, did you?) You see, when you walk under a ladder you have to be aware of your surroundings and watch that something doesn't fall on you- it's just common sense, not luck.
The same is true of a relationship. Common sense will tell you a real and healthy relationship takes work, but it will also warn you of danger signs such as abuse, controlling behaviors and addictions. Like falling cans of paint or tools, these are things you need to watch out for and avoid.
2. A relationship where no one fights is a perfect relationship.
Like the superstition that a horseshoe over a door brings good luck (it doesn't, and duck if it falls!), a lack of disagreement doesn't mean a perfect relationship. You and your partner are two different people, bound to disagree on things. It is natural. The only thing a lack of disagreement means is one of you is stuffing your thoughts or acting codependent. Someone is not being themselves.
3. Romance is the cornerstone and most important part of a relationship.
This myth rolls over into the belief you must feel "in love" all the time. Like the four leaf clover (of which I have about a dozen) this "in love" and romance don't bring you lucky relationship times. Yes, the first days/weeks/months of dating often are hot and heavy; this has more to do with hormones than real relating.
When the true relationship part starts, you feel close, comfortable, angry, loving, confused, and every feeling you are capable of. That's the real gift of a relationship, the ability to be yourself and have your feelings while sharing with another person. The cornerstone is respect not hot romance.
4. True love means you love each other equally.
Knocking on wood won't keep bad luck away, and no couple can love equally at all times. The real truth about relationships is sometimes one person is on the pedestal, someones the other, but more often they walk side by side in dynamic harmony. My mother once told me, "Marriage is falling in and out of love again and again with each other. The real trick is not being out of love at the same time." Love is always fluctuating. Besides, how do you measure how much each person loves? Love is unmeasurable!
5. Soul mates and love at first sight really happen.
Like the poor black cat who gets all sorts of associations, so do the ideas of love at first sight and soul mates. Everyone holds them up as an ideal, but they only exist in the minds of media producers and romantic poets. I hate to burst your bubble, but soul mates are just people who have done the work.
How about love at first sight? Sure, you may be attracted to someone immediately, but real love takes getting to know someone. Realistic and long term relationships are based in knowing someones faults and strengths, respecting them, and still choosing to love them.
6. Opposites attract and make good partners.
Unlike a broken mirror, trying to stay with your polar opposite will probably bring you more than 7 years bad luck. In the beginning the person may intrigue you and be interesting because you are learning different things, but ultimately, if you both are totally different and have nothing in common, you'll end up unhappy. Common denominators help you connect, agree, and see each other fully. True opposites usually butt heads and make each other uncomfortable in the long run.
7. Love is unconditional and conquers all.
Picking up a penny that's heads up won't make you rich (well, a cent richer) and love won't make everything better. Now, being in love and having a supportive partner does help you through tough times, but it's not a panacea.
Unfortunately there are some things love alone can't overcome- addictions, medical illness, abusive family members... these are things that need treatment or limit setting, not just love. And you can't love without limits on behavior- the minimum requirement is respect.
So on Friday the 13th while you avoid ladders, mirrors, black cats, spilled salt, and you pick up pennies, clovers, and horseshoes (sounds like a cereal!) remember your courageous work: make a relationship with real expectations, founded on respect, and using healthy skills while you feel and nurture love.
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