The two most important roles in communication.

I started the week ranting about how important communication is. In fact, I made the bold statement that if you communicate, you can talk less. I truly believe that, so today I'm going to to touch on the dual roles required for real communication.

They are...

drum roll, please...

a speaker and a listener.
(Didn't surprise you, did I?)

However, too many people have no idea what to do when they are in either of these roles; therefore, communication fails!
You see, like the peacock and guinea pig in the photo, communication can bridge any gap, if it is done correctly.

Let's look at the actual responsibilities associated with each role.

Speaker:
*asks permission to share
*speaks to be understood
*speaks without judgment
*uses "I" statements
*makes a request
*keeps it simple, short (KISS)
*clarifies when asked to

Listener:
*avoids talking in their head
*focuses on the speaker
*is in the service of the speaker
*listens to understand (not agree, correct, etc.)
*puts themselves aside for a time
*negotiates with love and skill- giving what they can

Both:
*practice healthy self esteem
*hold healthy boundaries
*have the goal of connection and understanding

It looks simple, but people don't seem to be able to do only one of these two things. They fall off the communication wagon. What do I mean?

Here are some examples (names changed to protect the not so innocent):
1. "Sue" is so mad at her husband she is speaks in a sarcastic tone even when "sharing."
2. "Bob" thinks about the football game or other things while his partner is talking to him.
3. "Barb" barges in and tells her boyfriend "We have to talk now."
4. "Tom" shames his girlfriend repeatedly with phrases like "you're just too sensitive," or "you work yourself up too much."
5. "Mellie" can't wait for her husband to take a breath so she can jump in and tell him the true version of things.
6. "Brad" argues about what he can't do and won't do when his wife makes a request.
7. "Fran" repeatedly complains about things her husband does wrong, but doesn't specifically ask him to actually do something different (or say what she does want.)
8. "Scott" rambles on and on about a variety of different things and often diverges completely from the beginning of the conversation.
9. "Marge" replies to her husband's honest curiosity about her feelings with "You'll never understand; I don't know why I try."
10. When they talk "Frank" feels defeated and makes up he'll never make his wife happy.

Do you do any of these things? Stop.

Each person has forgotten their role.
Speakers:
-Sue and Tom have poor boundaries and are being judgmental.
-Barb isn't showing respect for her boyfriend's time or asking to talk.
-Fran isn't talking about her experiences or making requests.
-Scott needs to learn the definition of succinct.
Listeners:
-Bob and Mellie aren't really listening or focusing.
-Brad needs classes on how to negotiate with skill and caring.
-Marge doesn't clarify, she defends and dismisses.
-Frank needs to develop healthy self esteem and boundaries.

Your courageous work is to consider the two roles in communication. Where do you fall down? Which role do you find more difficult and why? What do you need to work on in yourself to be a better speaker and listener? Begin practicing the skills, and remind yourself daily how important they are.

Really, practicing the skills of speaking and listening will move your relationship into a fantastic place no matter what your differences.

My promise: I'm going to give you a format to use when speaking and when listening. It will help, but you have to also practice being the speaker and the listener healthily.