Speak with skill and love- plus get what you want.

In my practice more than 90% of the couples who come to get help report major difficulties in communication. "We just can't talk to one another." "He never listens to me." "She just doesn't understand." "All we do is fight." "We never talk." I could go on.

Bottom line, if you want a happy, connected and intimate relationship, you have to learn how to communicate.

People don't know how to actually share feelings and thoughts. It's called speaking (no duh!)

First thing you must do is
chose an appropriate time and request a chance to give feedback. It is important you respect your partner enough to ask if they have time and inclination. The request can look like: “I have some feedback about something going on, would you hear it?” (Remember your partner can say no, and it must be a responsible no. )

When your partner is ready, give your information in the following manner:

1. State an observable behavior (as a video could record it, no judgment or interpretation)
--"When you came home two hours later than you said you would, and didn't call..."
2. Share what made up about it (the thoughts you had)
--"I imagined you had an accident..."
3. Share how you made yourself feel
(stick to feelings joy, pain, anger, fear, lust, love, shame, guilt)
-- "I felt scared and worried..."
4. Ask for what you would like (make a request- without this you are only complaining)
-- "In the future, please call me if you are going to be more than a half and hour late."

Hints:
-Please, review this post to see the responsibilities associated with being the speaker.
-Delete “you” or “it” statements
-Be clear you are speaking about your reality, not the"truth"
-Remember, you make yourself crazy, not your partner.
-Stay away from the victim position- e.g. “you make me feel.”
-Always focus on the request, not complaint- sharing is about repair!
-You get more of what you want by asking, not pointing out what your partner is doing wrong.
-When your partner agrees to do something, show gratitude; say “thank you.”
-Ask what you can do to help your partner do the things you asked for.
-When your partner does what you asked, appreciate it.
-Avoid disqualifying when your partner does what you ask; e.g. don’t say “You’re just doing it because I asked” or “You don’t really mean it” or "That's easy to do."
-Let go of what you can’t control (ultimatums) and set healthy limits.

Lastly, both of you are to keep yourselves in healthy self-esteem - neither better than nor worse than. As the speaker, at least keep yourself there and practice healthy boundaries.

Your courageous work, use the above format to give your partner feedback about important issues. Practice this until it moves from being artificial into an art. You'll be amazed at how well it helps you connect.