Are you listening? Can you pass the test?

When your spouse or partner is speaking to you, does your internal dialogue sound something like this?

"Oh, how can he/she say that?!...
"I've got to straighten her/him out on that point....
"That's just downright wrong!...
"She/he doesn't understand...
"Right, I need to explain to him/her about that!...
"How can she/he be so confused?...
"Is he/she still talking?...
"I've got to remember to tell him/her this..."
And so on.

You may even have a moment of "Oh, look, a butterfly!.... Now, what was she/he saying?... "

If any of that sounds familiar, you really aren't listening. Yes you are hearing words, but you aren't listening. You are talking and arguing in your head. At that moment there are two speakers and no listener. Not a good recipe for communication.

So, how should your listening internal dialogue really sound?

First, it will be primarily quiet since you are focused on your spouse/partner. You shouldn't be doing any talking about your own story, even in your head.

Next, you might hear these phrases:
"Oh, interesting, I didn't realize she/he felt that way....
"I'm not sure I understand that, I need to ask him/her about it....
"Okay, I think I have it, but I'll keep listening to make sure...."

Your whole attention is on what is being said and what is meant.

As the listener you are working to understand, not be understood. So your inner speaker needs to be silent except when it comes to curiosity and clarification. Your turn to speak and be understood only comes after you have passed the test as the listener- to understand (not agree, not believe, not convince, not change someone's mind, not explain, etc.)

Today's courageous work is to focus on truly being a listener. When you find your inner speaker chiming in, silence it and concentrate on what is being said to you. Remind yourself listening is about understanding where your partner is coming from.


zebra from ralph and jenny on Flickr