You can love 'em, but you don't have to like 'em!

You can love someone but not like them.

How?

You can feel caring toward someone, but not approve of their behavior. You can care deeply about someone, but chose not to be around them because they are disrespectful of you.

Sometimes the best and most loving thing you can do is make it clear you don't like what they are doing and aren't going to put up with it in your life.

When I was a freshman in college, one of my best friends called from CA to tell me he'd begun using drugs. We talked for awhile about what would be best for him to do, and he shared his ultimate, "I'm selling them too." I was quiet for a short time and then told him, "You are still my friend, and I still care about you, but I do not approve of what you are doing, I wish you would stop." We talked for awhile longer, and hung up. I heard from him a few more times that year, but haven't heard since. I still wonder how he is, but I know I did the right thing. I loved my friend, but I needed him to understand I didn't like what he was doing.

I often see this in divorce proceedings- even though someone has decided (rightly) the relationship is unsalvageable, they second guess themselves. They wonder about the divorce because "I love him/her still." Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with them, especially if it involves unhealthy, dangerous or degrading interactions.

Alanon often teaches this: you can love the person who is the alcoholic, but you can hate what they are doing. You dislike the behavior- not the person. In addition, you are not responsible to fix them. You need to make all of these things clear to the person- you love the person, dislike the behaviors, and aren't responsible for them. This final letting go is the biggest gift you can give someone you care about- the gift of treating them like an adult.

Today's work: How are you holding on because of love despite knowing the relationship is unhealthy? Thoughtfully let the other person know you care about them, but don't like their behaviors. Set healthy limits on what you will put up with. Let them know you are not going to be their rescuer, and you are treating them like an adult. Let them know you will be available to support healthy progress.