Ultimatums vs. Limits- I won't take it anymore

This morning I was reminiscing with my mother about the importance of setting limits in life, and we were both wondering why people are so bad at setting healthy limits with others.

Ever wonder?

I said to my mother, "People confuse healthy limits with ultimatums." Then I realized I was right! (Happens more often than most think!) It is the confusion between limits and ultimatums that trips people up.

You see, healthy limits are when you say to someone else, "I am not going to live with ____. You can if you want, and you can continue the behaviors if you want, but I am not going to stay around it." The limit is actually on yourself- what your limit is. You are making your statement of where you will and won't go, and you aren't telling someone else how to be.

In contrast, an ultimatum sounds like this: "I'm not going to put up with _____, and you need to stop it, or I'm going to do _______ to you." You see the difference? You are telling someone how to be, what to do, and making a threat. You are removing the other person's choice, and not working on yourself.

Now, many people will argue this is only semantics, but it is much more than just a word play. The focus, intention, and expectations are totally different in the two cases. In setting limits, your focus is on yourself- on the change you are going to make in order to remain healthy. The intention is not to change someone, but to change yourself, and you let go of expectations of the other person. When you make an ultimatum, you focus on the other person, intending and expecting them to make a change. You are trying to control them rather than take care of yourself.

That's why ultimatums fail. You can't control another person; you can only be in control of yourself (and often only on a good day!)

Let me give you an example from my own life; it's what Mom and I were talking about this morning. Many years ago (January 1st, 1985 to be exact) my mother said, "I am not going to take it anymore." She went on to say she did not appreciate being the butt of the jokes in the house, it was painful, and every time we started she was going to remind us how much it hurt her. Although our family was not intentionally mean, we did pick on each other, and Mom was more often than not on the receiving end. (Amazing how little you recognize your own behaviors until someone points them out. I learned a lot that day and in the subsequent months.) My mother stuck to her word; every time someone started to pick on her, or she was made the brunt of something, she would solemnly and seriously remind us "It's 1985, I do not take that anymore." She didn't threaten, tell us what to do, or order us around, but her quiet insistence (and healthy limit setting) gave us the choice of how we reacted. Not only did we stop picking on her as much, the whole tenor of the household became more positive and supportive.

That's what a healthy limit looks like and what it can do in your life. Thanks Mom for such a wonderful example!

This week take some time to consider your limits. What will you and won't you be a part of? What is unhealthy for you, and how are you going to react to that from now on out? And if you have set limits or failed with ultimatums, what can you learn (and share here?) Focus on how you will react, not on making someone else do something.