The Tyranny of Sweetness and Light.

If you can't say anything nice... don't say anything at all.

Have you heard this before? Do you follow it?

Well, it's a severe fallacy in one way and a profound truth in another.

What?!? I'll explain.

The untruth in the statement is caused by taking it literally. You believe to say anything that is unpleasant is a no-no; that you only should say pretty, gentle and "nice" things. "Good men/women" are always pleasant and nice. Wrong.

Life isn't only about pretty and nice. Sorry.

I ask my groups, "What would you think if I waltzed in here and told you everything is sweetness and light?" They'd usually answer something like: "I want what drug you are on," or "I'd say you have no sense of reality!" They recognized life has bad moments, difficulties, and struggles. (It also has sweetness and light, but I'll write about that in another post.) The problem with the statement comes about when you get caught in "don't say anything at all" when you are faced with the "not nice" things.

Sometimes you have to talk to another person about difficulties- you have to say something rather than nothing at all or the struggles will destroy your relationship. That's when you need to challenge the tyranny of sweetness and light which is holding you hostage to how things "should" be.

However, the "if you can't say anything nice" statement is profoundly true as well- what a paradox.

Why do I say it is true?

When you do talk about difficulties, you need to say it in a way it can be heard. That translates into: no meaness, no blaming, and clear communication about your own experiences and wants; in other words, nice! I'm not talking about sugar coated sweetness that doesn't really express anything; I mean direct, tactful, and honest communication with a request. If you can't do this, then you aren't really communicating.

So I guess "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" is true as long as you hold to the spirit of it rather than the letter of it.

Today's work: What things are you stuffing because you think it's not "nice" to talk about them? How can you speak your truth with tact so it can be heard?


photo from totalAldo on Flickr