If you had a magic wand....

The other day I was on one of those "free" teleconferences about improving business. The presenter was asking the listeners to write down how much money they'd like to be making in 12 months. (I wrote down.... well, I won't tell you!) I knew her sales pitch was "If you work with me, you'll make your goal," but the task got me thinking about relationships (what doesn't?)

It made me think of something important I ask the couples in my office.

I have a feathered glittery toy magic wand, and I ask couples the "magic wand" question: "If I took this magic wand and waved it over the two of you to create the relationship you really want, what would change and how would your relationship look?" I encourage them to think BIG (this is a magic wand!) and really push their imagination. I have them flesh out the image, the behaviors involved, and the feelings they'd feel. I have them make it real.

Why?

Because everyone needs goals to shoot for. If you don't know what you are working toward, then why go through the tough work? If you don't tell me what you want things to look like, I can't help you get there. isualization and speaking goals aloud makes them more attainable.

Too often couples come in wanting things "different" but all that means is "not like it is now." Ever do that? You have no clear conception of what it is you want; you only indicate what you don't want. If you don't know what you want, then you won't know when you get it. You can get stuck in wanting things "different" and never be satisfied.

Also, if you can verbalize what you want, then you can ask for it. If you say to your partner, "I don't like how things are now," but you don't say how you would like them to be, you are missing the important part of the equation. You need to provide the goal. You may not know how you are going to get there, but you need to paint a picture of what "different" looks like. It gives you and your partner a target to aim for.

Lastly, if you have that image, you can practice it by visualization. That will help you live daily from that goal rather than feeling as if it were far away.

Today's courageous work: Sit down with a piece of paper (or more) and write out what you'd like your relationship to look like 12 months from now. Include specific behaviors, events, interactions, and feelings you'd like. Make sure you indicate how things would change as well as what things you'd like to keep. Ask you partner if they'd like to participate- have them read this post if it'll help. Share your goals for the relationship with each other, and make some agreements on how you'll both work toward that target.

Hopefully you'll both score a bulls-eye!