Are you trapped? Really? Are you sure?

“Within yourself deliverance must be searched for, because each man makes his own prison”

-Edwin Arnold

The other day a client said to me, "I'm trapped." At the time, because I was learning how the couple was functioning, I didn't confront that statement, but it was factually wrong.

No person is trapped; you are choosing to be where you are. Unless someone has you tied down, you always have a choice. She was choosing to remain the way she was, where she was.

Here's the first difficult truth- every situation you are in is due to a choice you made.

I used to say to challenging clients when I worked in a rehab: "Every person in this group earned their seat, and you chose to be here." Usually someone argued they had no choice. It went something like this "I have to be here or..." and the "or" was "my wife will kick me out," "I'll go to jail," "I'll lose my job," etc.

My reply? "You chose to not have those consequences because you don't want them, so it's still a choice. Don't take your choice out on me or anyone else."

Second difficult truth- even if they have a gun to your head, you have a choice. You can refuse to do what they say and risk getting shot.

Now, I know sometimes it's not much of a choice, and we need to minimize the negative consequences of things, but I want you to be aware you make choices all the time. No one traps you into something, you chose to remain there. No one forces you to do something, you do it yourself.

You may make up that you are trapped, you may not like the choices offered to you, or you may be afraid to do something different, but these are all your responsibility. You have alternatives. Challenge the story that you are trapped. Look for other alternatives or determine how you can survive the consequences. Confront your fear and see where you really can go.

Don't use your imagined trap as an excuse.

Why is this important for relationships? When you make up you are trapped, you act like a caged animal. This means you take it out on the people around you- partners first. This usually makes for an even worse situation, and often keeps you from seeing other options.

Today's courageous work: In what ways are you making up you have no choice? How are you imagining you are trapped, stuck, unable to change or move? Look closely, what are your other options? If you decide where you are is the best situation for now, then realize you have made a choice and it is time to optimize it. Move forward with that decision, and stop creating a trap for yourself.


One last note: some people who feel trapped are in truly horrific situations. Some are abused, threatened, scared. I want you to know, you do have options, there is support out there for you. I'm not saying it will be easy, it won't, but it'll be safer for you in the long run. And if children are involved, do you really have a choice? Your first responsibility is to protect them and get them out of danger. If you let children see abuse, then you are letting them be abused.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help:
online at http://www.ndvh.org/
or call them at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)