Monkey see, monkey don't. Is life fair?

I recently was referred to video on primate behaviors. The scientist talked about how watching monkeys could provide insight into human interactions. It was dry, but interesting to watch... once.

However, what caught my attention was how the monkeys grasped a concept of fairness, and what they would do if they thought things weren't fair. It was an eye-opener for relationships.

Now, you can ask my husband, fairness is a big "button" for me, but I'm learning! *grin*

Anyway, what the researchers did was asked the monkeys to perform a simple task- handing a pebble back to the researcher. If the monkey did this, they received a treat, a piece of cucumber which the monkeys liked to eat. The monkeys would contentedly give the pebble back all day to get cukes.

Then the rules changed; the researchers introduced grapes, and the monkeys loved the grapes.

The researchers decided to see how the monkeys would react to getting different rewards. Two monkeys were side by side in two cages- they could see what each other did and received in return. As long as the monkeys were getting the same rewards (grapes or cucumbers), they happily returned the pebble, but when one monkey received a grape and the other one a cuke, the happiness fled. The cucumber rewarded monkey stopped giving the pebble back, threw the cuke out of the cage, and sat in the back corner. It refused to participate despite getting the same reward it had happily munched on before.

The monkey had decided things weren't fair and so it denied itself what it could get. The scientist said the monkey wasn't a rational maximizer. In other words, it irrationally denied itself any reward (or food, required for survival) because of what someone else had.

What does this have to do with relationships?

Humans aren't rational maximizers either. Have you ever been happy, content, okay with something until you see what someone else has? You are happy with your partner, until you see another person's partner acting in some way you would like. You are pleased with your car until your neighbor drives in with a newer racier one. You are content in your job until you learn the new hire is getting paid more for the same work.

Unfortunately, what people start to do is create discontent in themselves, they pick at their relationship, act out at work, belittle their car. They react like the monkey, and they make their lives unhappy. It's the same job, relationship, and car they had yesterday and were happy with!

There is a line in a Sheryl Crow song; "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." It is so true- recognizing you have a good thing is really important for a happy life and an intimate relationship. Once you start comparing, all you do is create distress.

Today's work: Stop comparing and take a good solid look at the positives in your relationship. Don't compare to someone else's partnership, look at your own. Does it fullfull you needs and wants? Do you feel basically good in it most of the time? If not, speak up tactfully and with healthy communication to get what you need or want.

If you have any other ideas how the monkeys relate to people, please comment.

cute baby monkey with tongue stuck out from doug88888 on Flickr