Being Barry- space aliens, soap, and the truth.

I was recently reading a great short story by George Alec Effinger called "The Aliens who Knew, I Mean, Everything." It's about a group of friendly aliens who come to Earth and help humans establish world peace, end poverty, etc., but it is the way they do it which is the kicker. It relates to this post, but I won't spoil the storyline, read it yourself.

However, I do wish to talk about one character in the story, Barry. I'll let the author explain:

"Barry was a wealth of information.
He was the campus arbiter of good taste.
Everyone knew Barry was the man to ask.
But no one ever did. We all hated his guts."

Barry told everyone who the best artist was, what food and drink to order at a restaurant, what made a good or bad president, what pet everyone should have, what books were worth reading... you get the picture. "To Barry, the world was divided into masterpieces and abominations.... He never understood why his friends could never tell one from the other."

Barry makes for funny reading, but his plight is serious. Do you know why?

You see, Barry is stuck in being right rather than being relational. He knows what is best, and he's going to tell everyone, and doesn't understand why others don't agree with him. Isn't his way best? Aren't his arguements clear? Maybe, but everyone still hates his guts.

Why? Because Barry doesn't listen, he sticks to his truth as if it were The Truth, and misses the rest of the world.

Barry is an extreme example, but have you ever stuck to your truth and refused to hear someone else's? You may have negated your partner's arguments as "irrational" or "overly emotional." You may have felt if you could "just get them to listen and understand, they'd see it my way."

Yep, you were Barry.

I feel into this trap right out of college. It was my first job, and I was full of excitement about what I was doing, what I learned in school, and how things are "supposed" to work in treatment. I wasn't shy about sharing this information, and I did so in an excited happy way. One day, Bobby, the head nurse took me aside and shared a revelation with me. "Kim," she said, "all of these nurses have been doing this for a long time. We understand you have great intentions, but you need to stop telling us how to do our jobs."

It hit me then, I was telling people what they should be doing, even when I was making nice "suggestions" (repeatedly). I'd not asked them why they were doing things the way they did. I had not respected their experience and knowledge. I was lucky to have Bobby; she could help me see my mistake before I drove my co-workers away. It was an important lesson that stuck through the years.

The lesson? Being right drives people away. Being relational keeps them around.

Have you also fallen into this habit? Have you changed it? Have you known someone who does this? How have you dealt with them? Share in the comments; I'd love to read about it.


Today's work: How are you being Barry? Do you negate what others say? Do you know what is right, and make sure others know it? Do you make polite but insistent suggestions to others? Turn these habits around by listening, making sure you acknowledge ideas are your way of seeing them, recognize others have opinions too. Stop being Barry.


Character, Barry, and quotes are from "The Mammoth Book of Comic Fantasy II" edited by Mike Ashley.
Picture of soaps by Debbie Chialtas- check out her cool stuff! http://www.soapylove.blogspot.com/