You can ask, you can't demand.

Recently a strong, competent, motivated woman said to me, "I don't have the right to ask my husband to stop drinking." To put this in perspective, her husband is an alcoholic who is controlling when he's not under the influence and downright abusive when he's drinking. However, in her mind she thought she had no right to ask him to stop drinking because she could not "tell him what to do."

People make this mistake all the time. They deny their own rights because they think they may step on another person's privileges.

Let me make myself clear:
1. You have the right to determine how you live and how you are treated.
2. You do not have the right to tell someone how to be,
what to think, how to feel, or what to be motivated by.
However, you can say, "I chose not to be a party to it."

To return to that strong but unclear woman, she can tell her husband, "I do not wish to be around you if you continue to drink. You have the right to use alcohol, but I will not be here if you do so." She would be in control of herself, not trying to control her husband. She would not be threatening, only stating how she chooses to live and acknowledging her husband has a choice in how he lives.

This holds true across the boards: you can only work on controlling yourself (on a good day) not ever on controlling another person.

How do you keep clean and not try to control another person?

You focus on what you want and what you'll do, not what the other person has to do. If someone is yelling at you, say, "I want to hear you, but I can't until you lower your voice." If they don't, you say it again, and let them know you'll leave if they don't. If they continue to yell, then you make it clear you are leaving until they can talk to you in a normal tone, and leave. Now, if the other person does come to you and is able to speak to you in a normal tone, you then listen. If they don't, it is their choice, you don't force them to do anything.

It is like the person feeding the birds above, they made the option available, they didn't force the birds to land on their hand.

Today's work: Get clear on how you make requests of other people. Realize you have the right to ask for things, but others don't have to acquiesce. Make sure you are clear on this point: you have the right to make a request and control your own response, and the other person has the right to do or not do what you ask.


P.S. I love the little chickadee holding up a wing like "talk to the hand"; that bird practices boundaries.




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