Have you ever made a promise and broken it?Most people have at one time or another, it's a human failing, but this flaw is destructive to relationships. By making and then breaking a promise- even a simple one- you send the message to your partner they are less important than you. You put yourself above them. Do you really think your partner is less than you? (If so, you have bigger problems than keeping to your word.)
You know why broken promises are unhealthy, right?
I know I write frequently about respect, and I'm going to do so again here. Broken promises are disrespectful which leads to a lack of trust, hurt feelings, and destruction of the connection which should be a part of every healthy and happy relationship. Broken promises are a boundary violation. Basically, you lied which is poor use of your communication boundary. You weren't true to yourself nor truthful to your partner.
You do want to communicate well with your partner, don't you? You don't want to be a liar, right? So what do you do about promises?
First, be honest. Don't make a promise if you can't or don't intend to keep it. Nothing is more damaging and disrespectful then you agreeing to do something you have no intention of doing. This includes making promises just to placate someone or agreeing to something you think is unfair in order to make someone else happy.
Negotiate if you can. For example, if your partner wants you home by 5:30 every night, but you really think you can't do that, decide together what time you can be home- and stick to your agreement! If you think there might be a time or two when you will be late, talk to your partner about what to do in those situations, and find out how often those things can happen. Plan ahead rather than catching flack later.
And what if things change?
Be honest. (Sound familiar?) If you make a promise, and you find you can't keep it, tell the person you gave your word to. Talk to them about what happened such that you can't do what you said. Your work may change and you have to stay until 6 two nights a week; talk to your partner. Respect your partner enough to treat them as a partner.
Sometimes you may agree to something in the heat of the moment and realize later you can't or don't want to do it. Own up to it (aka be honest.) But admit it was your mistake and choice, don't blame your partner for "forcing" you. No one forced you, you said "I'll do it" all on your own, even if it was to stop an argument.
What if you do break your word?
Be respectful and honest (getting sick of that word?) Admit to your fault, say "I'm sorry" with real feeling attached, and ask what you can do to fix it. This is not the time to justify your actions- don't ruin an apology with an excuse. This is a time to heal and repair the damage caused by your mistake.
What does it all boil down to? Respect and honesty. Be honest with yourself and don't make a promise you don't want to make. Respect your partner enough to do the same. Value your relationships enough to negotiate, admit to mistakes, and heal things.
Today's work: Look at the promises you have made and determine if they are truthful to you and the other person. Renegotiate any you think you may renege on or ignore. From today forward, don't make any promises as a way to placate someone or end an argument. View even the smallest promise ("I'll get milk on my way home.") as unbreakable and do whatever you have to do to keep them.
You'll find yourself more careful with what you agree to and you'll have a happier relationship; I promise!
Picture found on Flickr in a charming series by Katie Tegtmeyer.
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This one i like a lot too because it also relates to me a lot. One of my biggest issues is trust, due to people (mostly significant others) breaking promises with me. One point i agree with the most in here is the point about being honest if you break a promise or can't keep it. One of the worst things i think someone can do , is break a promise and then lie to try and cover it , or make it better. Which in retrospect is just making it worse. And yes i think when an s/o breaks a promise it does make one feel (i know i feel this way) that they aren't a priority over their s/o's self and that they don't matter enough , which just makes them feel bad about themselves. and i know personally when i don't feel good about myself i dont feel good about most things going on around me in my life, making my trust issues even worse.
ReplyDeleteLB,
ReplyDeleteI have also found that when you (people in general that is) break a promise yourself, you feel badly. I wonder if it's because you feel you can trust yourself. It's terrible enough to not trust others, but not trusting yourself is horrible.
Keep pushing for real promises.