The First Step in Acceptance

One major hurdle people often struggle with in couples' counseling is accepting the other person as they are.  A wife wants her husband to be more communicative, a husband wants his wife to be less of a nag.  Both sides usually have demonstrable complaints, and neither even consider acceptance.

Why accept your spouse?  

When you are able to step back and truly accept your partner- the good and the bad- then you can start to let go of the unimportant and ask clearly for the things you want.  By accepting you no longer demand change for change sake, you make requests based on you- your need, comfort, wants, wishes, hopes.  You no longer control, you let go and let live.

What is the first step in acceptance of your partner?

It may sound cliche, but accepting others starts by accepting yourself through healthy self esteem.  Healthy self esteem recognizes we all have successes and failings.  In addition everyone has intrinsic worth which is not increased nor decreased by actions, words, or thoughts- it just exists.  The founding fathers were right, all men (humans) are created equal. 

When you wrap your head around intrinsic worth of self and realize everyone has it, then acceptance becomes easier.  No one is better or less than another.  You can be upset or pleased by your partner's behavior, but it doesn't change the fact that they are a human being with worth.

As a couples' counselor, I can attest to the importance of acceptance in relationships.  No one person will ever give you all that you want in a relationship.  Every person has successes and failures.  If you can't accept that truth in yourself and your partner, you'll never be able to have an authentic relationship.

 

Your courageous work is to practice healthy self esteem so you can accept your partner as a true equal.  Like a smiling child, you can accept yourself and others just as they are.

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Life is filled with AFGOs

Years ago a client shared with me he was experiencing an "afgo".  Of course I bit and asked what an afgo was.  He grinned "another f***ing growth experience!" was his reply.

Swearing aside (you can use the word "frustrating" if you'd rather,) it's a great concept because we all have AFGOs in our lives.  In fact, life and relationships are filled with them and it is helpful to remind ourselves they are a time to grow.

Why?  Because if you view it as a chance to grow and learn, you'll approach the experience in a much better frame of mind than if you view it as a catastrophe or unbearable imposition.  You can gain from the AFGO rather than lose through it.

For example, if you have a friend who has broken your trust you can write them off and never talk to them again.  You can claim that is your "right" and you can't trust them anymore.  However, if you view it as a chance to improve and grow your relationship, you'll approach your friend and try to heal the breach.  You work at understanding what went on and how to talk to someone about trust.  You may still end up not being friends anymore, but you will have learned how you can cope with similar events in the future.  On a more hopeful note, you may be able to remain friends with a deeper understanding of each other because you gave that person a chance to grow with you.  That's the power of AFGO.

Your courageous work is to begin to view upsets and disconnects from your partner as AFGOs.  Understand they are a challenge to understand, dig down, and communicate.  Like raindrops grow flowers, AFGOs are gifts which grow you closer.

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Accused of Cheating and You're Not?

There are at least 4 causes for accusations of faithlessness when it is blatantly obvious cheating isn't happen.

1. Sometimes a spouse or partner accuses because they are cheating themselves.  By accusing you they blind you to the truth of their behaviors.  Or they may be considering cheating, so they are trying to convince themselves that it is okay because you are doing it. 
2. There may be a history which creates the fear of cheating.  Either you or your partner have cheated before on each other or past partners, or your partner has been cheated on.   
3. They are too controlling and possessive.  Because no one can control everything in another person's life or own another, possessive people often accuse their partner of infidelity. 
4. They are hypersensitive (sometimes because of reason number 2.)  They may jump to the wrong conclusions about things like a project keeping you late at work or you being distracted by issues in your family.  They feel your disconnection, and assume it is cheating.
5. They are looking for a reason to leave or disconnect themselves.  Sometimes a person doesn't want to be the one to say "it's over" and so they come up with a reason to leave.

So, to the point, what can you do if you didn't cheat, but they keep insisting you were unfaithful? 

1. Take a close look at your relationship.  Is your partner controlling and possessive?  That isn't a healthy relationship.  Is it possible he/she is cheating?  Is it possible they are really unhappy and don't know any other way to say it?  Could you two be distanced by something that your partner is interpreting as unfaithfulness?  Address these issues.
2. Look at your own behaviors.  Are you distancing or emotionally unavailable?  Do you communicate what is going on for you so your partner is aware?  Are you a flirt?  Do you give reason for your partner to be afraid?  Do you do things that enable your partner to think you could be cheating?  Talk with your partner about what things he/she is seeing which bother them and admit if you are doing them.
3.  Understand there is nothing you can do to change your partner's mind if they don't want it to change.  If they can't believe you when it is clear you aren't cheating, this is a huge red flag!  The relationship needs major work, or you need to get out.
4. Lastly, avoid the "f***-its".  This is the thought "Well, I keep being accused of it, so f*** it I'm going to cheat."  Don't act out in frustration.  If you feel this way, then it is time to leave or get your partner into real relationship work with you.

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Family Feuds and the Holidays

As the host of a Holiday gathering, few things are as difficult as family conflict.  Forget scheduling, cooking, cleaning, or buying gifts, family feuds are the toughest things to deal with.  How can you manage them without the Holidays becoming a war?

You manage expectations.

Let's look at the following senario to see how managed expectations help things run smoothly.  Our hosts are Margaret and Phil who are having a Holiday gathering of their three children, their spouses and the seven grandchildren.  The monkey wrench?  Two of their adult children, Petra and Jules, haven't been talking to each other for more than a year.

What do Margaret and Phil do?

First they manage their own expectations.  Phil reminds his wife that Holidays won't be perfect because humans are imperfect.  They both agree the day will be the best it can and they will do the best they can.  Margaret sighs but remembers that even though it is a Holiday the rift between her children won't be miraculously healed.  She says to Phil, "That only happens in movies."  All they want from their kids is tolerance not transformation that day.

Phil and Margaret also discuss the possibility their children may not be able to get together civilly.  They realize they can ask but not demand.  Additionally they talk about what is important to them and agree to negotiate for those things.  They really want to see all the children and grandchildren, so they decide ahead of time they may be willing to split the day so Petra and Jules come at different times.

Next Margaret and Phil need to manage their children's expectations.  They speak individually with Jules and Petra about the type of behavior they would like at the gathering.  In the past arguments, silent treatments, or scenes were the norm, but Phil and Margaret make it clear they are not acceptable this time.  They outline the idea of tolerance for the day and express they aren't asking for transformation.  They remind their adult children this is a single day and Phil says "You call can do something you struggle with for a few hours."  They ask their children if they can be respectful responsible adults for this one gathering.

It is alright if Jules or Petra honestly say they aren't sure they can keep respectful and polite.  Now is not the time for Phil or Margaret to take sides.  It is better to know ahead of time and make alternate plans than ruin the day for everyone.  If both adult children agree to come and be pleasantly polite, it is something to be appreciated.

Lastly, Margaret and Phil can do a few more things to help the day go well. 

• They keep the gathering short so as not to over-stress Jules and Petra.  By making the day a short success, it is more likely to happen again.  
• They give Petra and Jules ways to get away from each other during the celebration- have Jules help with the dishes, let Petra take a walk with her husband, or other such things.  This also decreases the tension on them.  
• Phil and Margaret don't take sides, no matter how they feel.  This is between Jules and Petra.  
• They talk about how family ties are always there through thick and thin, but they aren't always easy.  
• They focus on the grandkids getting to see each other and the meaning of the Holiday.      

Your courageous work is to learn from Margaret and Phil and manage expectations.  Family isn't always easy, but hopefully by managing expectations you will have a wonderful Holiday season where family feuds happen another day.

Want more things you can do to improve the Holidays?  

Send me an email (or use the form on the scheduling page here) to be invited 

to a teleseminar, tomorrow November 18th, from noon to 1.  

It's my gift to you, and it's called 

"Survive the Holiday with Real Joy: seven super tips."  

You can call in or be on your computer listening and participating in a chat.  

Hope to hear from you!

Your Relationship is Like Your Drive to Work

I play a game when I drive to the office; I seek out something new, pretty, or cool to appreciate.  Today it was a flash on the silver side of a fish as it jumped, and it was the way the sun shown through a tree filled with orange and red leaves. 

Why do I play this game?  Because I'm priming myself to be in a positive mood.  By looking for and acknowledging the "pretties" I make my drive pleasant and improve my mood.  This is not to say I'm oblivious and hit every pothole in the road or ignore other drivers.  I see things that are mundane or not-so-good; I just choose to not dwell on them.  I focus on the beauty and have a really nice drive.

You can do the same in your relationship- play the positive game.  Focus on what's nice, what is going well, and what is beautiful in your relationship.  Be amazed and happy with those things, but be aware of and address what may not be working (just as I drive around the potholes.) 

How does this help your relationship?  Well, if I were to focus on all the "bad" things on my drive- the red lights I get, the potholes, the unskilled drivers... etc.- I would have a terrible drive.  The same happens in your relationship; if you spend all of your time looking at what isn't going well or what hurts or what you don't want, you will dislike your relationship.  Spend more time acknowledging the good and then working on the things you want to improve.  You'll get to your work with more energy and gumption.

Additionally, what you prime yourself for is what you see.  As I decide to do my "game" on my drive I am priming myself to find things to enjoy on the road.  When you encourage yourself to notice positives you will be more able to see them.  In other words, if you focus on the negative, that is all you will see.  If you focus on the positive, happier you will be.

Your courageous work is to play the positive game in your relationship.  Look for the good so you can have energy to deal with the changes you want to make (which I am explaining in my newsletter this week.)  And enjoy the fun of noticing the nice things around you.

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What you can learn from the saints- it's all good.

No, this is not a religious post, specifically.  No, I'm not going to tell you to be saintly.  However, when I was looking at the history and meaning of today, All Saints Day, I got to thinking about relationships.

The phrase that jumped out at me was "remembrance of all saints, known and unknown."  This day is meant to celebrate every saint even if we don't know they existed- even if they were never canonized by the Church.

You don't have to understand what that means to learn something from it.  The take away is you can celebrate even things you don't know about.  In your relationship it means celebrating the good you do for each other even when the other doesn't know or recognize it.

I've lost track of the number of times one spouse shares something in my office and the other says, "I never realized you were doing that."  Often it is a poignant moment because the giver has been trying to make things better in a way their spouse didn't see.

Too often you get caught up in the things that need to be "fixed" or "different"; how about recognizing what is going well every moment of the day.  How can you change to be more positive? 

How about talking to each other about the things you feel you are doing for the relationship and each other?  That's a great way to make the unknown obvious.  Don't be shy or critical, just share how you are working on the relationship.  Talk about what you've been doing and listen to what your partner shares in return.  Celebrate the known and unknown work that has been happening.

Like All Saints Day, have an All Good Work Day for your relationship- that's your courageous work.

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Occupy your Relationship: avoid the mistakes of OWS

News outlets and social media have been abuzz with the "occupy" movements around the country.  I'd like to start a new and meaningful one OYR- Occupy Your Relationship.

Looking at the "other" movements there is one big thing you can take away to improve your relationship, and a few things you want to avoid.

The monumental power of any protest is to be there, and my movement is no different.  OYR is about showing up and being there, consistently.  It isn't about complaining to your friends, family, the guy on the bus; it is about getting close and having your message heard. 

Unlike the other occupy demonstrators, though, OYRers need to have their message clear and clean.  I want the OYR to show up at their own homes with what they need and what they are willing to do to help those things happen.  Avoid pointing fingers and take responsibility for your relationship.  Avoid vague uncertain messages of "I don't like it as it is now" and make requests you are willing to help with.

However, you can't express your clear requests unless you are there.  You can't talk about what you and your spouse are going to do unless you show up.

So, your courageous work is to start by showing up, then speaking up and then owning up to what you'll do.  Take back your relationship by Occupying it and living in it!

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